Saturday Devotion: Jesus Dwells in Your Never Fully Received Self

What I think of myself affects the quality and health of my relationships; it may also affect how I am perceived by others. When Jesus asked "Who do people say that the Son of Man is?" (Matt. 16:13 NRSV), He was indicating the significance of a proper perspective.

If I am not rightly related to Jesus then neither am I rightly related to His Father (cf. John 5:22-23; 10:30; 17:21; 2 John 1:9). My salvation is directly predicated upon my perception of and relationship with Jesus Christ. Therefore I am warned about receiving a different Jesus (cf. 2 Cor. 11:4). But I can also maintain false perceptions about myself.

There are many aspects of my personality by which I am uniquely differentiated from every other person ever to exist. There has always been a part of me that I did not appreciate, that caused me to not like myself, that I tried to hide from others. Henri Nouwen, in his journal, The Inner Voice of Love: A Journey Through Anguish to Freedom, remarks, "A part of you was left behind very early in your life: the part that never felt completely received. It is full of fears"(49). I have shared so many of his life experiences. 

I remember the first time I was ever mocked for "acting like a girl." I didn't realize I was acting like a girl. But the older guy's comment hurt me deeply. I immediately thought that I was different, weird, an outcast. (No, I do not act feminine now, in case you were wondering.) Only a short time later another older teen would ask me, in front of others, "Are you a fag?" I had no idea what that meant. All I knew was that "being a fag" was bad. This question hurt me deeply. Again, I thought that I was different, weird, an outcast -- someone unworthy of love and respect. 

Because of these emotional traumas I began to recede into an inner life, an inner lie, where I could appear in one manner in front of others and be "myself" when alone, whatever that meant. (This duplicity was one of my many survival skills.) I spent a lot of time alone. Once I graduated high school and lived on my own, I hid nothing of my inner self. As a matter of fact, I indulged all my desires. 

When I was born again in 1995, I receded again, back into an inner life, an inner lie, where I could hide my same-sex attraction from most others and at the same time try to convince myself that the attractions would soon dissipate (they did not -- not in the least). This would lead to tragic consequences later. Again, Nouwen writes of himself (myself as well): 

Meanwhile, you grew up with many survival skills. But you want your self to be one. So you have to bring home the part of you that was left behind. That is not easy, because you have become quite a formidable person, and your fearful part does not know if it can safely dwell with you (49). 

That scared little boy within me is only beginning to feel safe at home within my adult self, mainly because I am allowing him to feel safe, without giving him the privilege of indulging himself. I can learn much from that fearful boy, and I can teach him much as well.

Nouwen comments, "But Jesus dwells in your fearful, never fully received self. When you befriend your true self . . . you will see Jesus there. Where you are most human, most yourself, weakest, there Jesus lives" (49). In my opinion, Nouwen is not suggesting that any sinful aspect of my inner life is where Jesus is dwelling, wanting to bring such into my practical, living focus. He writes, I think, of merely certain aspects of the personality.

But there are aspects of my inner self (the various aspects of my complex personality) that should have been acknowledged, as well as welcomed to the foot of the cross for healing, reconciliation and sanctification. Perhaps you, too, have aspects of your inner self that desperately need to be acknowledged, befriended, and brought to Christ. 

Nouwen's words immediately above remind me of a statement made by the apostle Paul: "If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness" (2 Cor. 11:30 NRSV). This concept runs against the grain not only of Americanism but of the American church as well. Lord, You delivered us from sin by grace through faith in Christ. Now please deliver us from rejecting our never fully received selves.

__________

Henri J.M. Nouwen, The Inner Voice of Love: A Journey Through Anguish to Freedom (New York: Image Books, 1998).