The Episcopalian: Naked and Not Ashamed

"Both were naked, the man and his wife, but they had no feeling of shame" (Gen. 2:25 Revised English Bible). I feel as though I have lived the majority of my life under the enormous shade of shame -- shame of being attracted to the same sex -- shame for never "measuring up" to the standards of others. How can I grow in liking and appreciating myself in a healthy manner if there still remain some residual and debilitating effects of shame?

This was revealed to me in therapy this week. I didn't realize I was still carrying some shame around, like lint hidden in my pocket. After having written an empathy letter to my roommate, whom I offended sexually, as part of a therapy project, I was then asked to read it in front of my peer group and await their input. The responses were overwhelmingly positive, including an excellent encouragement from the therapist himself.

I didn't thank anyone for the positive feedback, however. Instead, I asked for criticism. At this point, the therapist was confused as to why I seemed dismissive (or even ungrateful) for the positive feedback, and directly asked for criticism. This one question unleashed a floodgate of shameful, self-loathing residual still evident in my mind. During that hour-long session I experienced quite the breakthrough by means of working through some pain, admitting I was still trying to atone for my sins, and accepting the fact that there are people who really do like me, thank you very much, Sally Field.

I doubt very few of you know this, but, last summer, before I began working on this blog, I had already constructed a blog called The Canterbury Trail. There is one main reason why that blog never saw the light of day, and this blog did: I was afraid of what some people would think of me, not only for embracing Anglicanism, but for even wanting to join a moderately conservative Episcopal church. So, you see, even as recently as nine months ago, I was still overly concerned about the perception of others.

My therapist asked me how long I intended to beat myself up for my behavior toward my roommate, and how long I was going to labor under the taskmaster Shame for being attracted to the same sex. He also asked me how consistent I thought I was being in trying to atone for an act that was already atoned by Christ. I told him and the group that I was done -- that I would no longer try to make myself pay for hurting another person, especially since my roommate (and God Himself) had forgiven me.

I also thought to myself, How much longer are you going to cower to what others think of your theological or ecclesiological beliefs? So, I suppose I'm finally finished with worrying about what others think of those issues, too.

I mean, let's face it: if I worried about and tried to appease every person, I'd be a Calvinist Bapticostalmethodist non-Calvinist, with Arminian-Anglican overtones -- a tongues-speaking cessationist with covenantal-dispensational undertones, who held to conditional-yet-necessary perseverance of the saints. In other words, if I worried about and tried to appease every person, I'd be a swirling mass of contradictions wrapped in a conundrum.

The "flip-flopping" nature I have displayed in the past stemmed from trying to please others. At the time of my offense last year, I was trying to please and impress Baptist bloggers, and I ended up offending a lot of people. I'm sorry for behaving like an idiot. I'm not even going to attempt to please or impress others any longer, with God's help. I have to be true to myself, as well as to the Lord, in order to be authentic and honest.

Having admitted all that, I realize that The Episcopal Church (TEC) is in a terrible position: I really do get that. I also believe, however, that there are genuine, regenerate people still in TEC who love Jesus with all their heart. They don't want to leave because they, like me, believe in her doctrines, her prayer book, catechism, articles of faith, and pray daily for the Lord to depose false shepherds and give her good shepherds after His own heart. What I am trying to admit is that I now self-identify as an Episcopalian (or Anglican); and, in spite of her serious flaws, I still want to join a moderately conservative Episcopal church in the future. 

So, here I am, naked and unashamed of what I believe. Over the last almost three years of studying Anglicanism, there were plenty of times when I chose to walk away from the via media. But every time I tried to walk away, I then returned, and usually with much more fervor.

I created the blog The Episcopalian in an effort to engage Episcopalians and Anglicans and converse with them about Anglican-related topics, such as the state of The Episcopal Church and the worldwide Anglican communion. I figured that most of my Arminian and Calvinist friends wouldn't really care about Anglican-related topics. That's why I didn't post much on those issues here. Truth be told, my original plan was to start blogging again in an Anglican context, and I wish I had, but I was still too timid to do so. I'm not so timid anymore.

I am not asking anyone to follow me there. Whatever I post here I will also post over there. But that site will give me an opportunity to post on other Anglican-related topics as well, and engage a whole other subset of believers on important topics throughout the worldwide Anglican communion. Hopefully the Lord will use the site to reach nominal believers in The Episcopal Church, for His glory, and help me to grow as a believer in and follower of Christ, as I learn to patiently engage others as does Jesus Himself.

If you suffer with self-loathing or low self-esteem, please remember -- as I have to daily -- that God's love for us in Christ stems from His own essence and has always, from eternity past, been present in His heart and mind. If an absolutely holy God can love you and me, then we need to reconsider how we can, essentially, tell Him that He is wrong for doing so by constantly beating ourselves up, attempting to atone for our many failures and sins, and refusing to love ourselves in a healthy manner.

May we, in Christ Jesus, embrace our unique selves, and seek to please Him in all things, for the sake of His glory and name. Amen. (That benediction seemed as though it needed an Amen.)